Monday, March 03, 2008

America's Next Top Chef

Steve was at a conference in Minneapolis this weekend, and I set the oven on fire.

It was such a bummer. I was so proud of myself for even trying to cook something while he was gone; that's so not my style. I'm not sure how I survived my pre-Steve years, given that my only two sources of protein were Jiff crunchy peanut butter and the orange powder that comes with Kraft Mac & Cheese...

But I had a BIG PLAN for this weekend to conquer my unhealthy ways and cook one of my favorite recipes from childhood: Broiled chicken legs basted with Italian salad dressing (and if even one of you foodies makes fun of me that this is my idea of a favorite recipe, I'll come to your city and cook for you to make you pay!)

Long story short: Who knew you had to put the broiler on the lower shelf? Who knew that the "High" is not always the best option? Who knew that chicken fat catches fire?

Our condo filled with smoke. I turned off the stove, extinguished the chicken flambe, and ran into the hallway to wave a towel under the smoke alarm to quiet it's screeching warnings of doom. As the air cleared and the alarm stopped, I heard a strange noise: slurp, slurp, slurp...

I went back to the kitchen and found THAT DOG licking her chops....she'd just devoured a whole stick of butter I'd left on the counter.

The Food Network should be calling any day now...

21 comments:

Paige Jennifer said...

I have a feeling that Rachel Ray, if it weren't for the producers and magic of television, would surely have a similar outcome with an oven.

As for the dog eating a stick of butter, my childhood pooch once ate an entire pack of Bubblicious. And if the vision of a Bichon chomping on bubble gum wasn't funny enough, just imagine the laughter when twenty-four hours later a bubble gum turd appeared in the dining room.

keri mikulski :) said...

Wow.. Great story. :)

Once I tried to clean my stove when it was on with a paper towel. The paper towel caught on fire and I tossed it in the sink. Thank God for all those years of playing softball. Who knows what would have happened if I missed the sink.

Jen A. Miller said...

I grilled steaks once and made the mistake of leaving them on the dining room table while I got the vegetables off the grill.

When I got back, no steaks, but a very fat dog. Sigh.

Sarakastic said...

I've actually heard Rachel Ray say she set one of the kitchens on the food network on fire. I think it was Emeril's kitchen that she was auditioning on. Sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but it really is true. It happens to the best of us

Kimberly said...

Wow, that is crazy! I think broilers are scary, I try to avoid mine.

Another thing to avoid: Putting a cardboard pizza box in the oven while the oven is on. You'd think it would just keep the pizza warm, but no.... it catches on fire.

Swishy said...

Ha ha ha ... we should get together and have a cook-off :)

Stacy said...

I managed to fill my entire apartment with smoke trying to make popcorn, so I can throw no stones.

What is it with animals and butter? My mom used to feed Strider butter and I would to get so mad at her for it. Poor kitty's arteries are probably all clogged due to the year I lived with my parents.

L Sass said...

I've had cooking experiences like that! Fortunately, no actual fire yet, which is a very good thing considering I don't have renters insurance!

Surfergrrl said...

Here you go, Trish
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/tfr/594367581.html

booklady said...

Trish, I have to tell you that this made me laugh out loud. And, in turn, it made the cats look at me strangely (which, granted, doesn't take much). Also, I'm tempted to make fun of you simply so that you'll come cook for me. Yeah, you promise to make me pay, but I think it'll be worth it not to have to cook dinner. What night works for you?

a&v said...

I can smell the smoke from here. What an adventure!

Anissa said...

The idea that dinner must be cooked every night greatly disturbs me. Yeah, pretty much I'm just lazy and out of ideas.

I lit a fire in the microwave once. Then, as payback (months later), the microwave threw a glass of boiling water at me. Door blew open and wham! Thankfully I'd turned to do something else. Psycho cooking apparatuses!

ellesappelle said...

Well, I think you would make a fascinating cooking show host :)

Larramie said...

Thank goodness and God that you found Steve!

1218Blog said...

I was thoroughly entertained by this story. Sorry I am giggling at your unfortunate cooking experience. LOL! You better make sure Steve never leaves!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

I am so diggin on the chicken and Italian Dressing!! Seriously. It sounds perfect. I have you back if you ever decide to try it again. I have mastered the Easy Mac & Cheese and nothing else. Can't even boil water... left it on the stove top so long everything evaporated.

I do have an incredible urge to refer to your dog as butter-butt now and I don't even know her. Sorry.

Carleen Brice said...

Saw your book in Publisher's Weekly today! Congrats!

~Virginia~ said...

The Food Network would be lucky to have you! :) At least you caught food on fire...I on the other hand caught a dish towel on fire. Yeah, I'm all kinds of talented.

Jenny said...

Too funny. A stick of butter - yick, hope the dog didn't barf on top of everything else.

Jane said...

I already have a name for your FoodTV show: Fire in the Kitchen with Trish Ryan". Ha!

LEstes65 said...

Dude, I would SO totally watch a cooking show with you as the chef!!!! As long as it had That Dog in there, too. And the occasional camera pan over to a look of long suffering on Steve's face.