Admitting Disappointment

The other day, Steve called in the middle of the afternoon to see how things were going.  As I started to  update him about a change in plans for a home improvement we'd hoped for, I was horrified to hear myself blurt, "I'm so disappointed!"  I went on to describe the shift, but I kept circling back to how let down I felt that things were going in such a different way than expected.

I was extra un-proud of myself for admitting this because it is SUCH an unimportant aspect of our life right now.  I mean, in the midst of all the very real things going on, who cares? 

Apparently, me.

Afterwards, I sensed God showing me how rarely I admit to Him when I'm disappointed.  I tend to skip right to acceptance when I pray ("Thy will be done"), with occasional detours through anger ("How could you let this happen?"), abandonment ("Why have you forsaken me?"), or ridiculousness ("Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!").  But in all of that, my point of view is that things are what they are, and I have to deal with it.

I felt like God was asking me to involve Him earlier in the process, before I decided all hope was lost and started working with this new reality.  So I did.  It felt weird to tell God, "I'm really disappointed about X...." But weird is okay.

This morning I read this wise gem: "If what God is asking you to do seems improbable or impossible, remember: all you have to do is take the first step."

This has proven true in my life so many times.  I wondered if by not admitting when I'm disappointed (at least not until later, when I can make a joke out of it), I'm skipping a step?  Maybe God doesn't want me to fling myself into forced acceptance, or assume that just because a decision is made, it represents His will.  Maybe disappointment is part of God's plan, intended to start a conversation with Him, a conversation that might lead somewhere interesting and unexpected.

If we're tuned into Advent, we hear endlessly about waiting.  Today, as I wait, my prayer is this:  Dear God, help me to put down all my pretending and be honest with you.  Remind me to talk to you as if You really care about how I'm doing -- when I'm fine, and when I'm hurt or disappointed.  Open my eyes to notice what happens next, and how You're in it.  Amen.

Do you tell God when you're disappointed?

I Was Hoping For More...

I've felt this strange compulsion to blog during Advent this year. I ignored it, figuring the urge would pass.  But here I am in the final hours of Day 1, figuring out what to say.

I'll start with a confession:

For several years now, I've hated Advent. There's nothing like the holidays to highlight the gap between where you are in life and where you'd hoped to be.

As some of you know, this has been a particularly wild year for us, as we've become foster parents to a little girl.  She is wonderful. The system is not.  And so the gap we're facing now isn't even a stretch  between what we'd hoped for and what is.  It's just a giant hole labeled, "We have no idea how this is going to turn out."  (Who knew our lives could get LESS suitable for inclusion in a holiday card?)

Now, I handle this gap pretty well for most of the year.  But when my faith tells me this is the season to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus because he came to save the world and make everything right (I remember one sermon that insisted, without caveat, "EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER WANTED IS FOUND IN THE BIRTH OF JESUS!"), the analytical side of me kicks in and asks, Really? Because I've read the book, and what happens is that in thirty-three years he gets murdered, then comes back to life and ascends into heaven, after which we spend the next two thousand  years trying to figure out what to make of it all.  It's a fabulous story, but I've been unable to see how Jesus' birthday gives me everything I've ever wanted today. (In fact, isn't that the experience most of us have with Christmas? That once all the presents are opened, it's all very nice...but somehow we'd hoped for more?)

BUT...even as this year has been particularly difficult, we've seen God working. Everywhere.  It's no exaggeration to say that in the midst of this sea of impossibility, we are astonished on a regular basis.

Because of this, I realized that I don't want to slink through Advent this year.  I've had enough of the tight-lipped smile, pretending everything is okay. So when I went to church this morning, I didn't cringe when I saw the Advent wreath.  Instead, I asked God for a new way to see this season.  And wow, did He come through.

The pastor said this about his life:  "I am so incredibly blessed...and yet I'd hoped for more." He went on to say that this tension between the blessings we have and the disappointment we feel is our human condition.  No matter what is going on, there is always more we'd hoped for.  In some seasons, this tension is more unbearable than others. But the feeling is consistent. He talked about how the message of Advent isn't "Hooray, Jesus has come! Everything will be fine now!"  But rather, "The rescue is underway...and Jesus is coming back to complete it." (Here's a link to the full sermon.)

That is something I can celebrate.

So I'll be doing a little of that here each day, sharing thoughts about living in this tension between what I hope for and what is, looking for what God is doing and anticipating the rescue.  I hope you'll join me. We'll see what God does.