Saturday, April 28, 2007

Wanna get hitched? Check fasteners


I'm not usually one to make fun of the various books and columns and well-intentioned talk shows promising to teach women the hidden secrets of finding our one true love. I read most of those books, and well - people in glass houses and all...

But yesterday, the talk show we revere as the "my best life" Bible (you know, the one with the magazine and the book club) had the SINGLE WORST COLLECTION OF DATING ADVICE I'VE EVER SEEN. I sat there, horrified for my gender, as the Divine Ms. O fawned over an absolutely slimy looking self-professed bad-boy/gruppie in his swinging-single 40s, who has done women everywhere a favor and written a book to teach us how to grovel more effectively for small shreds of male attention.

Don't despair if you missed the show, because I took notes. If you're looking to find your soul mate, here's what our expert thinks you should do:

First, move to Salt Lake City. According to Men's Health (that long-established champion of women's interests) this is where the single guys are. There, and San Francisco.

Once you've settled in, take a moment to center your inner harmony and remind yourself that you are FINE being single...you LOVE your life, you LOVE yourself...you are a woman of purpose and integrity. Then pull on your miniskirt and Manolos, and head over to Home Depot. Go to the fasteners department, or perhaps plumbing (NOT paint - there are too many other women in paint) and ask men to help you.

There you have it. That was it. And all the while, our esteemed host nodded and smiled and said to Gayle, "I told you...go to Home Depot..." ARGH. In an odd ommission, no one mentioned what you're supposed to do with all the fasteners and faucets you'll end up with this way - maybe This Old House knows of a place to donate these items? An all-female Habitat For Humanity, perhaps?

I guess this is an okay plan if you're looking for a wing-nut (I'm avoiding the obvious jokes about getting nailed). But I'm not sure something this obviously manipulative is a viable way to get hitched...

6 comments:

Sarakastic said...

I live in Utah & I have to say that study is false false false. Even if we do have more boys, they are all dumb!

ellesappelle said...

Home Depot, eh? I'll have to keep that in mind.

John Elder Robison said...

And the book is from my own publisher, too. . . but a different editor.

My own dating advice has been spurned enough that I would not make it part of a book.

That said, I do believe the application of logic, statistical analysis, and careful planning could significantly increase the chances of one's finding a compatable mate with whom one could form a lasting union.

JenKneeBee said...

I'm going to have to agree with sarakastic. I've done the SLC thing and it so didn't work. The boys are single and probably will stay that way for quite some time.

heidikins said...

Amen on moving to SLC to find men. I have to import mine from California (although, he is from San Francisco... so maybe it all works out).

And on the rest of it: who wants to land a man who picks up helpless women in Home Depot? Seriously! Besides the obvious "what self-respecting woman would go to Home Depot to pick up a guy looking for washers and bolts?

Lainey-Paney said...

Okay...what did the study say about the single men in san fran?
single & straight?
or...
single according to the box they have to check on the survey b/c they can't legally be married?

And, I recently went to SLC, Utah. I did NOT see a bunch of hot guys.