Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Resolution...eat more hot dogs

Just as I'm not a fan of New Year's Eve, I've learned the hard way that devoting the first days of January to fresh resolutions of what I absolutely must do/be/accomplish in the coming year is a sure recipe to ensure I end up doing/being/accomplishing something altogether different. So for the most part, I don't bother. God and I had a nice chat on Sunday night where I mentioned a few things I might like to have happen, and he kindly agreed to take them under advisement. I'm fine leaving it at that.

But then I saw this post on Deb's site (doesn't she look great with that parrot?) about a website where you type in a wish and PRESTO! the site generates some important next steps to take in the coming year. Kind of like a life coach or a therapist, only private, quick, and free!

Wanting to be honest, I typed in one of the items from my chat with God - that Steve and I would like to add a new little member to our family this year, and move one step further up the adulthood ladder: having kept a dog alive for eleven years, I think I'm ready to care for person (and yes, I'm well aware that my prior success with crate training is not applicable to childcare, under either State or Federal standards) So I went to the "What should your new years resolutions be?" site, and when asked, what do you wish for in 2007? I typed in "a baby."

Here, apparently, are my KEY STEPS TO SUCCESS:
1. Get a pet monkey
2. Eat more hot dogs
3. Travel to Sweden
4. Study time travel
5. Get in shape with belly dancing

Based on this, I'm convinced this is a test to determine my fitness as a parent. But I'm not fooled! First of all, there's no way I'm getting a monkey. It will eat all the bananas, and potassium is very, very important for children (I may not know why, but I know it is!) Second, I can't possibly eat more hot dogs. They are the heated dinnertime version of bologna, my favorite food, and to eat more of them would push me over the edge of indulgence into the pit of gluttony. There's not much baby-making in that particular pit, so I'm choosing to avoid it :) Third, a trip to Sweden will do me no good at all, as this article clearly shows Europe is the land of falling birth rates. In Sweden, the article notes, fertility is linked to the economic earnings by the female, which means I'd not only have to travel to that cold, barren land, I'd have to get a job there. Um, no. I think Steve and I would do far better to schedule a trip to some tropical locale with fruity drinks... Forth, the time travel thing...really, am I supposed to take that seriously? I just read the book of Acts, where Jesus appears out of nowhere on several occasions and Philip engages in some airplane-free air travel. That will have to do. And finally, I refuse to belly dance on the grounds that it will mortify the children I hope to have. I understand that at a certain point, everything Steve and I do will embarrass them, but I see no need to take such clear steps toward making them right to be embarrassed.

So there you have it, I emerge resolution-free :) I think I'll go make myself a hot dog to celebrate!


LEstes65 said...

Well, those steps seem to make just about as much sense as anything I could come up with. That really is hysterical. Monkeys and hot dogs. Who knew?

red sun said...

The pet monkey might help you an baby-raising ;-)

The other options, however, make absolutely no sense. Hilarious!

Sarakastic said...

I'm not a parent, but I think there are two main goals to achieve: not be the only case of scurvy in your given state (the fruits & vegetables & potassium all help with that. I read in the paper a few years ago where a 4 year old had scurvy because he had only eaten cheese pizzas for a long period of time) the second is to mortify your children whenever possible, even if it's just announcing in the grocery store loudly "I don't care if so & so is going to the party, I didn't stave off scurvy for you for nothing" That's all the parenting advice I've got.

Swishy said...

How funny! I laughed so hard through the whole post. Yeah, I'd try your own list first.

Jenny Rough said...

Hey, seriously consider that tropical beach trip -- procreation vacations are totally in!

ellesappelle said...

That's hilarious! The coolest one there is undoubtedly the pet monkey, but I see your point. I agree most emphatically with the belly dancing part. Belly dancing is cool if it's nobody you know.

Jess Riley said...

"Study time travel?" LOL! What a hilarious list. I need to check that link out!

Stacy said...

Actually, I think the belly dancing sounds the least harmful for a woman who wants to conceive. I even have a belly dancing for beginners VHS tape I could lend you.

Pet monkeys and an excess of hot dogs? Yikes! I like monkeys a great deal, but they don't promote a restful atmosphere for a child. (However, if you'd like a monkey, I believe the Future Mayor has some notes on her blog on where to find one.)

Deb R said...

Hey, "study time travel" is one of mine too! I'm still trying to decide how to depict that as a self-portrait. :-)

The one on the list that might be worth considering is that travel to Sweden thing. If you go in the winter, it would be so cold you'd never leave your hotel room, which could contribute to your wish. Of course, I suppose you could achieve the same thing by not leaving your house, but then you wouldn't be able to tell your future baby that s/he was conceived in Stockholm, which you have to admit would be kind of cool. :-)

LEstes65 said...

Oh I just had another thought - on the procreative vacation front: I work with a bunch of guys from India. And every time one of them has gone home for about 3 weeks, they come back telling us their wives are pregnant. So I'm thinking you, hubby and THAT DOG need to head to India. Or I can dog-sit (if I can keep 2 kids alive, I can keep THAT DOG alive). Goa is gorgeous.

Meg said...

I would need a firm practical knowledge of time travel in order to to back to a point where my body was fit enough for belly-dancing. Then I would only do it in Sweden, where belly-dancing in a bulky sweater is probably the norm. I would do it with my pet monkey to draw attention away from myself...and then reward the monkey with a hot dog!

Amanda Brice said...

You never fail to crack me up!

I got a tarot card reading the other day that showed a baby in the near future...I think perhaps she mixed me up with you because I can't even manage to keep a plant from dying--it would be a crime to give me a small person.

Anonymous said...

Does this Mother of 3 have to SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU??? Eat more hotdogs? Hotdogs? WEINERS. Can't have a baby without a weiner. Lordy be, you unbirthed people. Call me when the baby arrives. I'll tell you which end gets the diaper...

;) GOOD LUCK with the WEINER!

Kim S.

kim said...

ooooh, fertility vibes for you))))))))))))))))))))))).

BTW-- thanks for the well wishes today. I achieved coffee today -- maybe not the best move, but it had to be done :o).

Karitown said...

OMG too funny. Love the list.

Alyssa Goodnight said...

Eat up! You'll need your strength! ;)

And let me just say, that was a hilarious post.

Beck said...

Hot dogs are yummy and delicious! Excellent, excellent resolutions!
It came up with the following for me:
1) Get a pet pit bull

2) Eat more oysters

3) Travel to Holland

4) Study magic

5) Get in shape with capoeira

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