The Other "F Word"

That's what a friend of mine calls failure.  "I hate it," she says.  I don't blame her.  My fear of failure is a giant, grotesque monster that keeps me huddled under the covers rather than out doing stuff and enjoying life.  More specifically, in terms of this month's mission, fear of failure makes it almost impossible to relax.

Which means, of course, that it must be banished!

Two neat things fell into my lap recently to help me slay this dragon.

The first was an article cut from the Business Life section of the Financial Times called "Setbacks can set you on the path to success." It fell out of a library book I was reading. It talked about having a healthy appreciation for failure: "Obsessing about past errors is not wise but to imagine that [life] is an unbroken series of victories is to court disappointment," it said.  It pointed out--in the way that only a British publication can--that "We can all expect our fair share of cock-ups in the future."  (There you have it!)  It went on to say that failure is rarely as devastating as we anticipate.

As someone with extensive experience with failure across almost every sphere of life, I can attest that this is true.  More good has come of my failures than of many of my successes.  Weird, right?  It sometimes takes awhile--years, even--but it's never not happened.  (Which is why I can still read the passage in the Bible that says, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose without collapsing in hysterics.)

The second thing came yesterday, in a blog post by an entrepreneur  (I can't find it this morning but I'll be back w/a link when I do) She shared how growing up, their family dinner conversation often started with her father asking them, "What did you fail at today?"  This wasn't to make the kids feel like losers, she assured us, but rather to make them consider whether they'd stretched far enough in the things they'd tried that day to bump into failure.  He didn't want his children to grow up playing it safe.  

I LOVE this!

I don't fail often enough these days.  But I suspect that making that "bump" -- the place where my plan collides with the outer reaches of my ability -- a goal rather than a fear will change things, allowing me head out into each day planning to stretch, reach, and try, rather than hedge my bets.

Hedging produces tension...have you noticed?  Reaching and stretching is (counter-intuitively) a more relaxed way to live.

So (for this month, at least) I'm into it.  We'll see how it goes :)

Relax is a verb!

(Yesterday, over at the Changing Seasons blog, I admitted that my project for June is to learn to relax.  If you haven't read that, click over and check it out so this post will make sense.  I'll wait right here 'til you come back!)

Last night when I went to bed, I was a bundle of tension.  I felt like an uncooked noodle, where too much pressure in any direction would cause me to snap right in half. It was awful.  I tried breathing, focusing on happy thoughts (have you noticed how at night when your head is spinning with stress, happy thoughts just FLEE???)  Finally, I climbed out of bed, grabbed my Bible and my Kindle, and headed downstairs.

Lest you get the wrong impression, I didn't plan to read the Bible.  In moments like this when I'm exhausted & frustrated, I like to have it with me, even as I refuse to open it.  It's as if I'm telling God, "I need Your help but I'm too upset right now to sort through all those pages to find it, so proximity will have to do..."

I opened my Kindle, and felt compelled to read from a book about, well, praying. It has prayers for each day of the month. Do just one, God said.  It will help.  So I did.  Most of my tension was worry about the safety of someone I love. My frustration was from the circumstances surrounding her...how people in positions of authority are making choices I'm afraid will cause her harm.  As I prayed that one prayer, God opened my perspective just a notch, showing me the role HE plays in her life.  He created her, has a good plan for her...and my prayers can be part of helping her stay connected to Him (whereas my worry accomplishes exactly nothing at all). It was a tiny bit of amazing. I was able to see a glimmer of hope, whereas before I'd just seen black.

I'm a If some is good, more is better! kind of girl, so I spent the next hour praying through every single prayer in that book. And in that time, I relaxed.  My noodle was finally cooked.  I went upstairs, thanked God, and fell asleep.  It was glorious.

My first lesson in Project Relaxation?  Sometimes to relax, you need to DO SOMETHING.  (There's a metaphor here somewhere about adding water & turning up the heat, but I'm not quick enough to find it right now.  I guess I'm too relaxed ;) )

Field Trip!

I'm over at the Changing Seasons blog today, sharing about how FINALLY seeing the moving Bridesmaids inspired me to figure out how to relax.  Click over & leave me suggestions!

Can you take the good & leave the bad?

At the gym earlier today I was watching ESPN on the giant screen.  The commentators were all fired up about Tiger Woods' unexpected tournament win this past weekend.  They played a series of clips of him in different tight situations over the years, talking about the intense focus he brings to the game.

I was jealous as I watched Tiger sink an impossible shot at one tournament: it was after dark, the ball was behind a tree, and it was raining.  And yet he was so dialed in on what he needed to do. He just got to work and put the ball in the hole.  I'd love to have that ability to execute.

But this also raised a spiritual question I've been wondering about for a few years now: how much good can we take from a person whose overall approach to life isn't something we want to emulate?

I'm not asking about Tiger, per se, but rather about how we choose who we watch, listen to, learn from.  On one level, I believe that when we choose to "follow" someone, we shouldn't be surprised when we end up where they are.  I don't want Tiger's life, so I don't pay all that much attention to what he does.  But can it really be all that bad to read up on his game techniques to see if there might be some pointers that could translate into my life?

There's a rule in criminal law called "The Fruit of the Poisonous Tree" that keeps coming to mind for me (complete with horrid flashbacks to my first year of law school).  It says that if one part of an investigation was illegal (searching your home without a warrant, for example), all evidence found as the result of that search (the 47 mountain lions you're training to do ballet in clear violation of your town's ban on dancing animals, for example) is excluded from the case against you.  The whole investigation has to be clean for the evidence to be considered.

Obviously, it's a bit of a stretch to apply this to watching Tiger for tips on focus. And it's an impossible standard to apply in terms of mentors in any capacity, as They'd have to be perfect. We're all human, which means we're all a mess.  But where is the line at which point following anything someone says becomes a bad idea?

For example, would you take putting tips from Charles Manson (he's had some time...his game might be quite good...)?  How messed up can a tree be before you'll stay hungry rather than eat one of its oranges?

I have no idea what the answer is.  Just thought I'd include you as I wonder :)

Changing Seasons Post

I'm over at Changing Seasons today, sharing what I learned from THAT NIECE and this fun creature.

On Finding My Universal Intention...at a Business Seminar

Last night I attended an event for entrepreneurs.  It was sponsored by a local group that champions promising startups, and featured Bill Warner, an angel investor who shared his thoughts on what makes for successful investor-founder relationships.

This might sound like an odd place for an author to hang out, but it was so interesting.  The publishing industry is in utter chaos right now, and here was a room filled with smart, boundary pushing, business-minded people sharing ideas that could (from my vantage point) be pieces of solutions and suggest new possibilities.  I loved it.  (Plus the attendees had job titles like "Master of Awesomeness" and "Ninja in Residence."  If they came to your town, you'd go too!)

I was struck by Bill Warner's unique approach to picking investments.  "I don't invest in products," he said. "I invest in people."  He went on to describe the extensive exercises he does with his founders to uncover the intention behind what they're doing.  "All our lives, we're taught to use our heads," he said.  "I want to push you to use your heart."

It sounded a little too fuzzy/feel-good at first, until he had some of his founders share what this process had uncovered for them and how it changed their approach to their businesses.  They each shared an "Intention statement" they'd drilled down to:

"We help people feel superhuman."  (Urban Hero Sports)
"We help people feel important." (Libboo)
"We help people understand that they're creative & use that creativity." (delightful.ly)
"We help people extend their reach and be curious." (Leapmotion)
"I help people follow their heart and feel closer together." (Bill Warner)

I wasn't clear how ANY of this connected to their products until Bill pointed out that intention has to come before your product.  If the intention is universal -- meaning, someone 100 or 1000 years ago would have understood it -- you're onto something with serious power to connect.  From there, he said, you can come up with a product that delivers joy, rather than just providing pain relief.


I've been thinking about this ever since. Moving beyond what I want to do (for authors the answer is write, publish & sell books!) to consider, what is the universal urge this speaks to?

I went into the event with an internal mission statement that was something like, "To write books that entertain, encourage & inspire."  But I left with a simpler understanding that applies to every area of my life:  I help people stay encouraged.  

A subtle, meaningful adjustment to the lens through which I view life.

You should give it a try!

Consider: what your universal intention?  It doesn't even have to be altruistic (indeed, "I help people accumulate vast amounts of wealth" is something even the cavemen would have understood). You'll know you've found it when it makes you smile :)

Quick litmus test for fear & love

Thoughts from something I read earlier this morning:

The easiest way to tell if you're operating out of fear is to look at your question:  If you're wondering, "What will happen to me?" (my plan, goal, mission, job, dream for the future), fear has you buy the tail.  It will swing you around for days as you wrestle fruitlessly, and it won't put you down until you're dizzy, exhausted, and hopeless.

To switch your focus to love, change the question.  Ask:
"What will happen to the person or people my plan, goal, mission, job, or dream for the future is for?"
This might not get us to easy answers.  But it puts our thoughts in the right place and directs our eyes to look through the right lens.  Then we see things differently and notice options we miss when fear has hold of us.

To change the options, change the question.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment." - 1 John 4:18
Encouraging stuff :)

Navigating Change by looking for the Bright Spots

You'll be delighted to hear that I found an outfit for today's event.  Thank you for your support :)

Admittedly, it was a bland ensemble - black "trousers" (to maintain Stacy & Clinton's love), and a sweater that's best described as, well, sufficient.  But it was fine, as I wasn't at this event to be noticed - I was there to hear Dan Heath, co-author of Made to Stick and Switch (two of my all-time favorite nonfiction books) talk about navigating change.

At the end of the session, I had the chance to ask him how being immersed in the principles as he wrote has influenced his own life.  His response was great.  He said that the best thing he's internalized since writing this book is a commitment to "looking for the bright spots." 

As he describes in Switch, we're psychologically wired to focus on bad over good.  We'll notice things that are ugly, unfortunate, and problematic much more quickly than those that are lovely, pure, or working splendidly.  (As he put it, "When was the last time you & one of your friends got together and said, I really want to talk about the things in my job/family/relationship that are going well so I can figure out what's working & replicated it!?)'

So one of the things he discovered in his research is that, when you're facing a huge problem or set of circumstances, one way to get passed feeling overwhelmed & helpless is to focus on whatever is going well.  Ask yourself: What's working? What doesn't need to be fixed?  Where are expectations being met or exceeded?  He calls this focusing on the bright spots.  Hidden in there are often clues to things we're doing right that might apply to other areas where things aren't going so well.  So it's not just "Don't worry/Be happy."  It's making smart choices about where we focus so we're more likely to see solutions.

I like that :)

On "Wardrobing"

I am DELIGHTED to report that posting some great reads for summer had the desired affect (effect? I can't seem to get that right) and convinced God of my true desperation for SUNSHINE this weekend.  THAT DOG, THAT HUSBAND and I went to the beach on Saturday for some vitamin D reloading.  It was glorious.

Today, it's cloudy again, but I'm not even bothered.  Because today I'm on a MISSION (and I've had quite a bit of coffee, which is why I'm typing so quickly and leaning on the ALL CAPS button for ADDED EMPHASIS!)  I'll be attending an event tomorrow where the dress code calls for neither jeans nor flip flops.  Which puts me at a loss, as jeans & flip flops are my go-to attire for pretty much anything that happens between the months of May and October.  

What's a girl to do?

I would LOVE to be the type of person who is so dedicated to the themes of FREE TO BE YOU AND ME that I show up in my super-casual attire (a la Woody Harrelson) no matter what the event, trusting that no one really cares what I wear.  But I'm not.  I was a lawyer at one point; I know how to put on a suit.  I sold real-estate, so I can do business casual.  I understand appropriate clothing and how much it helps people to hear what you have to say if you're dressed like someone they'd want to hear from.

So today...I'm shopping.  Pray for me, friends.  I've gone down this road before, only to return home with new jeans and 3 additional pairs of flip flops.  But this time, I'm determined to do better!  I'm going to pretend that Stacy & Clinton are tracking me with their spy-cam, lamenting denim's magnetic pull over me, squealing with delight as I consider the merits of a "trouser."

We'll see what happens :)

Fending off the rain with summer reading recs

It's raining here again.  I'm pretending that it's going to get sunny ANY MINUTE NOW, flat-out fibbing to myself that this is just one of those brief showers, you know, of the sort one finds in tropical places while on vacation...like the 4pm thunderstorm in Puerto Rico that blows through in about twenty minutes and reminds you of how much you love the sun.

Clearly, I'm going to great lengths to deny my weather-related reality.

In the spirit of this denial, let me tell you about some amazing books I've read recently.  I started my "summer reading" ahead of time this year.  In February.  It's been fabulous.  And even though there's no sand in any of my books (just a few crumbs from goldfish crackers and my Mom's homemade oatmeal cookies) I am confident that any of these stories will bring you as much joy on the beach in July as they did to me on my couch this winter.

Here are a few worth checking out:

OBJECTS OF MY AFFECTION by Jill Smolinski
How do you make choices about what you cling to and what you let go?  A surprising and funny story of a woman trying to organize her way through the chaos of love, pain, and life.

HOW TO EAT A CUPCAKE by Meg Donohue
A really interesting book about friendship - it's unlikely beginnings, ups and downs, and how we decide how much to share and what to keep to ourselves.  Loved it!

THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME by Allison Winn Scotch
A woman loses her memory in a plane crash...then has to decide how much of her old self to chase down, and which parts of her life she'd rather create anew.  This one will have you thinking, long after the last page.

THE ACCIDENTAL BESTSELLER by Wendy Wax
This was a re-read for me.  An incredibly fun story of four writers who meet at a conference and support each other through the strange world that is the publishing industry.  This book makes me smile.

What books are you looking forward to?
(And, more importantly, what do you do to see past all the rain???)

What Would You Do With a Do-Over?

I'm over at the Changing Seasons blog today, sharing how Allison Winn Scotch's latest novel has me wondering what I'd do with a do-over... Come by and check it out!

Aaaaand we're back!

It's good to be home :)

As some of you know, I took a bit of a blog adventure a few months back, packing up my deep thoughts and silly stories and heading over to join Patheos.com, a site featuring blogs about all different approaches to faith.

It was fun, and I'm really grateful for the experience. It gave me a chance -- and a push -- to blog more openly about how Jesus informs the choices I make in everyday life, from praying for seemingly impossible things to being a big fan of Santa Claus.

But as those of you who are writers know, this is a business. Which means sometimes we have to make decisions based on that side of things.  For a variety of reasons, I decided that having my own blog was a better fit for me right now.

And as I said, it's good to be back!

Here's what will happen next:  Over the coming week or so, I'll post material from my season with Patheos that was especially conversation provoking or helpful, including the posts from the Encouragement Project we did on praying for a husband.  Then I'll dive into new material as I can.

I'm working on a couple of new writing projects right now, so my blogging will be spontaneous, rather than scheduled.  But I'm excited to be back here to connect with you.  Thanks for being here :)

Trish

Moving Day!

It's time for a big, fun adventure!

A few months ago, I was asked if I'd be interested in blogging for Patheos.com. As someone digs new possibilities, I was intrigued.

I thought about the #1 thing I've loved about this blog for the past 5 years: the unexpected CONNECTIONS I've made with so many of you. Some of us have met in person; we've exchanged emails and encouragement; we've even swapped advice on everything from books to dating to picking out the right new hairdryer. I love you guys! *big hug!* And so I said yes to the move. I hope we can take our friendships over to the new blog, and meet more amazing people.

My new blog is called A Maze of Grace. It's a little bare-bones right now...like I've just moved in. So if you were to come by and leave me a comment, it would be the cyber-equivalent ringing the front door with a hug & a pie, and asking, "Can I help you unpack?"

I'll also be contributing to a group blog called What She Said, which should be a blast...and raise some interesting conversations.

THANK YOU for being part of Trish's Dishes...whether I know you stop by (because you've commented, or emailed, or told me in person) or you lurk. I'm excited for the next chapter, and I hope you'll (to push this metaphor right out to the very edge) turn the page with me.

The next step

I just finished reading a book called THE HEALING. I think it's going to be a big deal when it comes out early next year, and for good reason. Comparisons to THE HELP are well founded.

It's a story set mostly in the time of slavery, and it speaks of how story can shape generations of people and, when revealed anew, can change how each of us sees ourselves. I know that sounds rather grand and philosophical, but it's true. Think of the stories that define your family, both the good ones and the ones about hard times or difficult choices: they influence you in ways you probably don't think all that much about. But there they are, shaping things.

In the back of the book, there's a special section written by the author, a white man, describing how he came to feel so passionately about race relations and the particular sort of stories he wanted to tell. My favorite line is this: "I have discovered the truth in the old saying, 'Facts can explain us, but only story will save us.' If you want to destroy a people, destroy their story. If you want to empower a people, give them a narrative to share."

Think about your story today, and how it's shaping you. Then consider: what is the next step to move your story forward, in a direction you'll be excited to live and will add to the larger narrative? Now remember the mighty penguin from this post awhile back, and take the step :)


(How's THAT for big thoughts on a Tuesday morning?!?)

Checking in :)

It's a BUSY week. But fun busy (as opposed to desperately dreaming of tropical islands busy).

I had a 22 hour writing retreat yesterday. It was bare bones: me, my laptop, a hotel room (we had a coupon for one free night that was about to expire), lots of coffee, and a giant bag of pistachio nuts to snack on. You wouldn't think you could accomplish all that much in less than a full day (if you sleep), but it was incredibly (astonishingly) productive. I lose sight of how much time the little things--THAT DOG, dishes, laundry, email--eat up during the course of a normal day. It was great to escape from real life for a tiny slice of time and just focus. Highly recommended if you want to dig into a writing project but aren't sure how to get going. Everyday opportunities & distractions are so much easier to write around once I have some momentum. Speaking of which...

Tomorrow I'll be back at Wheaton (my awesome alma mater) for a full day of fun.

In the morning, I get to guest teach a creative non-fiction class. Then I'll spend the afternoon huddled in the library (thanking God I'm not still frantically prepping for the LSAT--the last time I spent significant time in that building) & frantically typing words to keep up with day 3 of National Novel Writing Month. I spent this afternoon with my laptop at the hairdressers, head covered in tinfoil as my highlights set, so working at the library will feel comparatively tame. Perhaps I should look for a more interesting place to work?

Tomorrow evening, I'll be giving a workshop in conjunction with the campus career center called How To Tell Your Story, showing students how to use principles of memoir writing (narrative structure, conflict, happy endings) to craft personal statements, handle tough questions in job interviews, and even get to know potential romantic interests. I have a complicated illustration planned, involving several feet of wire, a bunch of index cards, and a whole slew of wooden mini-clothespins I've color coded with magic markers. It will either be incredibly fun and inspiring...or I'll end up in a tangled heap. My idea of living on the edge :)

Win Pug Hill!

I love this book. Pug Hill is the story that introduced me to Alison Pace's writing. I thought I'd like her in person when I read this book (and was increasingly certain we had BFF potential once I read her other books). But then when I ACTUALLY met her in person--at a NYC roundtable for authors on Twitter--I learned that she's even more fantabulous than her characters...and that's saying something. We bonded over her description of a "peculiar Clumber Spaniel" in one of her stories, and now she sends me pictures of Clumbers whenever she sees them plodding around Manhattan, because alas, I've never seen one here.

So today on Trish's Dishes we're celebrating the release of the mass-market paperback edition (translation: fits into pockets and small purses!) of Pug Hill. And YOU CAN WIN A COPY! Signed by Alison! She will even personalize it to say...well, whatever you come up with that you'd like to have her write about. She has lovely handwriting, so if you'd like her to spell out her philosophy on puppy training, or why she uses a certain type of leash for her dog Carlie, or even how she keeps her hair so shiny...ask away!

To win:
Leave a comment below & tell us: If you could have any type/breed of dog in the world, what would it be?

You will LOVE this story :)

Lessons learned (in a bunch of bars!)

It snowed this weekend! Not typical weather for October in Cambridge. Even THAT DOG looked at me this morning with a, Surely, you're kidding expression when her paws sunk down into the slushy mush that was all over the yard. Church was canceled due to downed power lines the next town over, so we had an unexpected, fab day of lounging on the couch, reading, and watching TV.

We spent the later part of the afternoon watching a marathon of a show I'd never seen before called Bar Rescue. Oh, how I LOVE this show! An expert comes into a failing bar and works with the owner & staff to turn things around. It's an amazing example of the power of business savvy & being teachable.

We all get into ruts in life where we don't see what we're doing that holds us back. This show illustrates the power of having outside expert eyes coming into help. It's just like working with an editor, or a nutritionist, or Stacy & Clinton on What Not To Wear. Our human tendency is to defend what we've always done, justifying the status quo. If we give into that base instinct, we miss out and we don't grow. But if we can squelch our ego for just a few minutes, LISTEN and LEARN, it can change the course of everything we do from that moment on.

This happened for me in the editing of my first book. When my contract deadline came, I was confident that what I handed my editor was the (brilliant, genius) best I could do. Then... my editor SCHOOLED me on literary structure, showing me how to take the lump of raw, doughy story I'd handed her and shape it into a fully baked narrative. I could have balked, and fought, and remained stubbornly certain of how perfectly I'd captured every moment. But I didn't. I listened, revised/rewrote almost every page, and drafted a couple of entirely new chapters. It was hard work, and demoralizing at first. I didn't have it going on nearly as much as I'd thought. But...

I've been thankful ever since that I sucked it up, listened, learned, and put in the effort to change. The book is SO much better...and now I understand writing in an entirely different way. A worthwhile squelching of my ego :)

Have you ever had this happen?

Does shivering count as exercise?

Okay blogsphere...talk me out of the madness:

It is ARCTIC COLD here in Cambridge. And yet I can't bring myself to turn on the heat because every year I have this strange goal of waiting until November 1st. As if that's a THING for which one gets a metal or something.

It's not. No one--not one single person, including my mother (who has had her heat on for days already) cares if I shiver and freeze until November 1st. And yet I feel like I'd be failing if I turned that little dial from "unspeakably cold" on up to "okay to take your jacket off inside."

WHAT GIVES?

And why don't I feel similar anxiety over missing my more important goals? You know, the one about running enough miles on the treadmill that I fit into that certain pair of jeans? Or the one about writing 300 words per day? Clearly, I need a perspective alignment of some sort...like a tune up on a car, where they make sure your tires are all pointing in the same direction...and that the chosen direction is FORWARD, not off to the side.

I'm going down to turn the heat on RIGHT NOW. I'm not ashamed...I'm not ashamed...
Am I the only one with ridiculous non-goal goals like this?

Juggling

Yesterday in the comments, the lovely Sarakastic claimed that she can't juggle batons. To which I respond: It's not that you can't...it's just that life hasn't given you enough opportunities to try!

I looked online for a good baton juggling tutorial (I was planning all sorts of helpful tips, like how the ends of the baton should never come flying toward your face). But instead I found this video, which is worth at least 1,000 words.

This is a girl who competed at the World Championship level. She's amazing! And yet right in the beginning of the routine, she drops 2 of her 3 batons. Now, if you've never dropped a baton, here's the thing: they don't just lie there, waiting for you. They ROLL. And if you drop 2, they roll in opposite directions, and you have to CHASE THEM. (It's like life, that way). So this girl chases her batons all across the floor...really, there's no graceful way to do that (trust me). But then--rather than racing off to the locker room in shame, she smiles and gets back to work, winging those batons in the air like it's no big deal. Now, confession: I've always thought that the move where you rolling the baton around on your shoulders with your head look a bit like you're having a seizure... but when everything is in the air where it belongs? Masterful! Check it out:

Uniquely Suited

So the hacking woes continue...but I'm not losing my cool. I've set up a new email account, so if you'd like to reach me, try TrishRyanAuthor AT gmail DOT com. Eventually I'll set up a non-gmail account, but this should stem the tide of disaster for now!

On a funner note (and yes, I claim "funner" as a viable, if awkward, word), I read this question yesterday, and I've been pondering ever since:

What about God am I most uniquely suited to reveal to others?

It came from a book called To Be Told: God Invites You to Coauthor Your Future. I'm about halfway through, and there are tons of equally provocative questions. But I think this one might be most important.

My answer came almost immediately: I'm uniquely suited to reveal that God wants to bring us to happily ever after. But (caveat!) we get there on His terms, not ours.

This was a real "aha" moment for me. There are five different writing projects I've been trying to juggle for the past year or so. I can't juggle anything but batons, so I pretty much dropped them all, and have spent the past few months picking them up one by one to reacquaint myself and inspect the damage. In other words: lots of wondering, very little progress.

But as I look at each project through the lens of what I'm uniquely suited to do, three are clearly more in the "hobby" category--fun, but not compelling--whereas the other two seem to have "NOW" stamped across the front in a way that wasn't true before. This is exciting stuff, and it all came from a couple of minutes spent with one question.

Write it down

I've read two memoirs in the last week or so (this one and this one). They have me thinking about the power of writing down our stories (even if we don't want to publish them). Not so we can MAKE something happen, necessarily. More that life goes a little better when we remember.

One of the unexpected benefits of writing He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not and A Maze of Grace is that they remind me of how uniquely (and bizarrely!) my life has unfolded. These stories are real. They lay out the details of all these unexpected collisions between me & God, and how synching up with him has kept things moving along at a rather breathtaking pace ever since. And because I wrote it all down, I have no business whining, "Waaaa...God must have lost my file!" (although, of course, I do). Skimming a few of those pages, I'm forced to concede that life looks very different in the big, aerial view than it does in the narrow bit of each day that I see.

And these pages protect me against the false-security of a 10 year plan, because really: who could have planned any of this?

My point? YOU should write things down, too! Even if you think your life is dull right now, I'll go out on a limb and say: It might be dull, but it's meaningful. Things that seem unimportant now might be key aspects later to a mystery you'll want to unfold, or a progression so subtle you didn't even see it happening.

Do you keep a journal?

Friday: Stuff! and Things!

I'm back from yesterday's adventures, happy to see that we've all kept our new superhero identities to ourselves...It's enough that YOU know you have special powers that will be used at IMPORTANT MOMENTS to help FIGHT BAD GUYS and SAVE INNOCENT PEOPLE! Until then, we should all practice getting in & out of our costumes. And the flying...it's harder than it looks ;)

A few "share the love" links to send us into the weekend:

A TV show I'm loving: Prime Suspect, starring Maria Bello. Her character is nuanced and uber faux-tough...she does a stellar job with it. And the writing is so good that I'm swept right into the plot, hanging on every line of dialogue. There are fantastic moments of snark woven into unexpected moments--kudos to the writers.

2 books I'm excited to read: This weekend will have an unintentional grief theme, as two books I requested weeks ago from the library came in at the same time: The Grief of Others by Leah Hager Cohen, and Closure: the Rush to End Grief and What it Costs Us by Nancy Berns. (I'll follow this up with a Jerseylicious marathon to keep things from getting too serious!)

A blog post I appreciated: Novelist Allison Winn Scotch had some good thoughts about writer's block this week. Two things she said struck me. First: "I know myself well-enough to know that I have a decent work ethic, and if I truly cannot bring myself to get excited and/or motivated to write, I probably need to give myself a break." And second: "Whenever I find my manuscript flagging, I find that the best kick in the pants is to throw a major obstacle at my characters. A break-up, a job loss, some sort of emotionally devastating event, etc. If you write this, you are thus forced to write MORE because you have to figure out a way to resolve the problem." Simple, wise, true. Love it! I'm dreaming up some thoughts for next week on how this applies to memoir.

Have a great weekend!

Something to do on a Thursday

I'm leaving town on an adventure this morning (that does not involve either Madrid or an email scam asking you all for money), so no new blog until I return. Until then, what are YOU doing today?

Need ideas? How about, if you don't have anything else exciting planned, become a SUPERHERO!?!

Instructions to the left :)

Hacked: the upside

My gmail account was hacked last night, wiping out my inbox & sending a message to everyone I've ever known detailing an "urgent & unannounced trip to Madrid" in which I "encountered some difficulty." Apparently, Western Union is the best way to send money to help.

Argh.

The irony is, just yesterday I was reading a book that mentioned how the Bible encourages us to rejoice always, pray continuously, and give thanks in all circumstances. I was going to blog about this, asking how it goes for you if you've tried it, admitting that it's something I struggle with when things get hard. I'm never sure if I'm supposed to give thanks FOR the difficult things in life, or thank God for the assurance that somehow (even if I can't understand it) He is working things out for good and I can trust that. (As one person told me, "God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts.")

I didn't get to write that blog. I had to deal w/the hacking: a year of emails deleted, my account compromised, the gmail help page saying, "So sorry...there's not much we can do." It was as if some vile form of evil out there was laughing, saying "Let's see her give thanks in THIS!"

But then (I'm learning that with God, there's usually a "but then...") I started getting emails...and text messages...and DMs on Twitter...from friends near & far, telling me I'd been hacked. Many included little updates on how they're doing: one has written a book, another said this reminded him to pray for me, and I even scheduled a long-overdue lunch with a third. Such fun in the midst of resetting my password and trying to recover what was lost (then realizing I can't: it's lost).

The Bible says that when vile evil intends things for our harm, God will find a way to use those circumstances for good. This morning is a fun, vivid reminder of that for me--reconnection with friends, gratitude that I'm not lost & penniless in Madrid...it's been a much "bigger" morning than I anticipated. I'm praying...thankful...and rejoicing. All before breakfast. Who knew such a thing was possible?

Write a book in a year: the not-so-secret formula

I'm preparing to lead a writing retreat in December (this one is a private event for a group, but for those of you who've expressed interest, I'm working on dates & locations for a retreat that will be open to all, hopefully early next year).

Part of my preparation is thinking about TIME: how, when we take on a project of some magnitude (and I can say from experience that that writing a book is a PROJECT OF SOME MAGNITUDE) we need to carve out time to pursue it. Intentionally--not just in a hap-hazard, I'll get around to it at some point kind of way. There's a cost to pursuing any big goal.

Before Steve and I were married, I lived with a roommate who decided to train for the Boston Marathon. (She called her quest, "From the couch to the finish line!" because up to that point, the joke went, she'd only ever run to the fridge for a beer). Winters are dark & cold in Boston, and yet every night after work...and way too many Saturday mornings...she headed out to run, building up her mileage so she'd be ready for the big day. Ironically, the day of the marathon was unseasonably hot, so after four months of training in sub-zero weather, she sweated out her 26.2 miles in 92 degree glaring sun. But she did it. (Then she had a beer!)

For writers, our training looks a little different. We have to write. We build up pages, not miles. But if we don't do the day-to-day work, we don't even make it to the starting line. You can gimp through a marathon without training...but you can't fake a book. It's the one thing (other than being from Maine) I have in common with Stephen King: we both have to write our books, word by word. The adage about butt-in-chair/words-on-page is universal.

I have a post-it on my screen reminding me of the basic logistics of writing a book. It's from 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think, where the author boils it down to this:

If you want to write a book in 1 year, you need approximately 75,000 words.
If you write for 50 of the 52 weeks, that's 1500 words/week, or 300 words/day.
In other words, totally doable.

Of course, if you're a memoirist, there's the pesky problem of needing to wait for each section of your story to unfold, if it hasn't already. But for the most part, anyone can do this.

And yet so often, we don't. If writing a book is one of your dreams, consider:
What would it look like for you to add "Write 300 words" to your to do list every day, in the category of things like teeth-brushing and food consumption where you don't go to bed until it's checked off?

Might be a fun experiment :)

What I learned at NEIBA

What an inspiring weekend! I'm a little giddy, just thinking about it. The highlight I want to share with you is from my first trip to the New England Independent Booksellers Association Fall Conference. NEIBA is a three-day event where indie booksellers get together to learn, grow their businesses, and think about coming trends & how to serve readers well. It's a celebration of loving books, appreciating the value of stories, and understanding the feeling of possibility we have when we plunk down our cash searching for something (entertainment, hope, new perspective, education...) in words someone has written on a page.

(Searching for a picture to go w/this post, I found these words from Boston Book Bums, describing last year's conference: "books are a fascinating beast. They are both solitary and communal. They are personal yet commercial at heart. We often read alone, in a vacuum, yet are eager to share and talk about our beloved books in groups. Yet the chance to really socialize, to branch out in a “uber-book” environment is what makes expos like NEIBA...so wonderful. Gatherings are the social flesh and blood hub of writers, publishers, agents, buyers, sellers and readers... One cannot plant a seed without going into the field." Exactly!)

Friday, I went into the field! I'm not a bookseller (although I'd love to be, even in these strange times!) so I went as a blogger/book reviewer the third day, to the expo-style event where publishing houses set up displays to share advance copies and build buzz about their new titles. And what I experienced there was so wonderful: the book world working the way it's meant to. Here's what I mean...

At each publisher's table, I introduced myself as a blogger who likes to review mostly memoirs and upmarket women's fiction. At the first table, I was given two books that seemed like good fits. The second table was Hachette (my publisher), and I must admit that I was thrilled when the sales rep saw my name badge and said, "Wait...you're one of our authors...you're family!" But I got more than a nice "atta girl" from that table. After the rep graciously handed me a big bag for books and said, "You'll need this!" something his colleague said (I don't remember exactly what?) prompted me to change my question. I said to the them: "Never mind what I usually read and review. What are YOU super excited about this season? Tell me about it!"

This change of question led to a fun conversation there, and at every table...and the most bizarre array of new reading material I could possibly imagine. For those of you who enjoy book recommendations/reviews, we've got a wild ride ahead! And I met some of the neatest people, including one woman who I've known via Twitter for months (we both kept saying, "I know you from somewhere...but where???")

I left with that Hachette bag FILLED with books...and a sense that my world had expanded.

So TODAY I'm wondering: what can this teach me about the other interactions in my life? I tend to look for commonalities--points of connection--with people I meet. But what if I simply asked, "What are you super excited about right now? Tell me about it..." and waited to see where that took us?

Friday: Share the Lie!

Brilliant author Laura Zigman shared this video via FB, and I ordered the book immediately. I am FASCINATED by this...especially since watching it reminded me of a moment from this past weekend, when I noticed that I was shaking my head "no" to something while giving a positive response. I was telling the truth (I think!?!) The question was whether I'd been to a restaurant before, and I had, so I said yes...and yet, according to this video, such a discrepancy between what you say & your body language is one of the top indicators of lying.



Again...fascinating!

If this author is right--and I suspect that she is--we're hardwired to lie. How do we handle this? And what do we do when we suspect someone else is lying?
(I'm filing this post under "deep thoughts for a Friday"!)

Book Fun in Beantown

This week is a CORNUCOPIA of literary fun here in New England!

Tonight, Tayari Jones, author of Silver Sparrow and The Untelling, is reading at Harvard Bookstore. My friend Lady D (the fabulous unofficial social coordinator for Boston-area writers) has organized a bunch of writerly-types to gather apres to fete Tayari with drinks and (one imagines) scintillating conversation. I plan to share how I had to Google the proper spelling for both "cornucopia" and "scintillating" to finish my blog post this morning, which I'm sure will make everyone in the room feel comparatively brilliant!

Tomorrow will be my first time at the New England Independent Booksellers Association Fall Conference. I'll be looking for: 1) a miraculous way through rush hour traffic between Cambridge & Providence; 2) great new books to review here on the blog, and 3) a better understanding of the retail side of publishing and how things are going up here in our neck of the woods. And honestly, the chance to bask in a convention center FULL of fellow book lovers? Bliss!

And THEN (as if these two weren't enough!?!) Saturday is the Boston Book Fest, which is seriously one of the reasons Boston is the best city in America.

The Red Sox are long gone, snow is on the way, and it's raining all over our foliage. But this is still THE PLACE TO BE for literary dorks like me.

And now, fine readers, THREE QUESTIONS for YOU!
Where are you right now? Why is it an awesome place to be?
And... what are your tips (other than sharing spelling mishaps) for unusual and interesting cocktail party conversation?

On endings, happy or otherwise

I sat down to write about endings: How they're hard and painful--as in "ouch, I ran into a wall!"--but often necessary. But then a link on FB caught my eye. I think they're connected.

The link was to a blog post by a well-known writing teacher describing how, in the early stages of his writing, his pursuit of his craft cost him everything: his relationship with his parents, his marriage, any hope of a job. I think it was supposed to be a romantic tale to encourage others to persevere, but what it made me think was, "Holy crap, nothing is worth that..."

But then again, what do I know? I wasn't there. Perhaps he never had a good relationship with his parents? Maybe the marriage was doomed from the start? It might totally have been worth it. Some endings are necessary.

Here's the quote I planned to start out with today, wise words on endings from my favorite NJ Housewife, Caroline Manzo: "There comes a time when you have to recognize that the tides are changing. I recognize that now. And it's sad."

She's describing the end of a friendship. Which is sad. But what I appreciate is her acknowledgement that the sadness doesn't change the reality: the tides have changed; things aren't what they were before. We all face situations where the challenge is to respond to what IS, rather than what we remember (or how we wish it had all turned out).

Even in sadness, there's good news. Because THIS crush of metaphors: changing tides and running into walls that weren't there 5 minutes ago and heartbreaking betrayal? This is what good art (and good life) is made from, if we proceed with care and courage. I think that might be what that writing teacher was getting at.

I'll leave you with this related thought, from Oswald Chambers:
"Spiritual truth is learned by atmosphere, not by intellectual reasoning. God's Spirit alters the atmosphere of our way of looking at things, and things begin to be possible which never were possible before."

Congratulations, Lora!

After a highly scientific selection process (akin to eeny-meeny-miny-moe, but much more complex!) the winner of Brennan Manning's All is Grace is....

Lora!

Email me your home address and I'll drop the book in the mail to you tomorrow :)

Fruit

Steve brought this home. He says it's a pear. To which I say, Someone needs to contact the people at Pear Production and let them know of a specifications fail...

Friday: Share the Love!

I'm starting a new tradition, designating Friday as "Share the Love" day. I'll post links to blogs, books, reviews, articles, interviews & other assorted things that will brighten our weekends. Sometimes, like today, there will even be PRESENTS! I like the idea of capping off the week with a little celebration of how much good and fun (not to mention inspiration & encouragement) is out there in the world :)

So today! Some links to people I love...some in person, some from afar:

--If you're feeling like your life has taken an unexpected twist or 2 as you soldier on toward happily ever after, check out my friend Elizabeth's blog on trusting God, "Never Deprived." (Then read the About page on her blog, which has one of the most helpful prayer tips I've seen in a LONG time..and it's SIMPLE, so even I can remember it!)

--If you want a good giggle that will make you think, "Hmm...do I do that?" check out Gretchen Rubin's post, "7 Tips to know if you're boring someone."

--My friend Liz says a heartfelt goodbye to her sweetheart of a dog here, and Kristin Armstrong shares the pain of making tough end-of-life choices for her pup here. Both posts made me tear up, hug THAT DOG until she squirmed away, and think about how good it feels to be part of this unique cycle of love and devotion that comes with a canine creature.

--And finally...a present! The nice folks at Cook Publishing sent me a copy of Brennan Manning's new memoir, All is Grace. I have notes all over my advance reading copy (if the title sounds familiar, I blogged about it here), and I'd love to pay this crisp new hardcover forward.

Hmmm....what would be a good question??? I know...If you'd like to win this copy, leave a comment below (or on FB) and tell us...Do you like holding hands? A tad random, but I wonder about this...because sometimes holding hands is all zappy and sparks fly and it's a sign of all good sorts of connection. And other times it's awkward and messes up how you walk.

What say you? Weigh in with your thoughts & I'll announce a winner next week :)

What Steve Jobs (just) taught me

I love this tribute to Steve Jobs from my friend Elizabeth on her blog (picture, courtesy of the WSJ), especially this point:

"By 1997, Apple was floundering and had $2 billion in losses over two years. Who did they call? They guy they fired in the eighties. Did Steve hold a grudge and say, "Thanks for buying my new company, but you fired me, remember? I'd rather take my $400 million and watch your rapid decline from a far." Nope! He came back and took over as the interim CEO.... [I]n his last decade of life, he took those $2 billion in losses and turned Apple into the world's most valuable company at $350 billion."

We all want to leave a legacy, and watching the outpouring of appreciation and gratitude for Steve Jobs across all forms of media today is inspiring. Elizabeth's point helps me remember that sometimes, the opportunity to REALLY make a difference comes from rising to the occasion.

The day my salon dreams came true

I have always been a little bit in love with the notion of a salon. Not the Steel Magnolias kind, where you get your hair permed & tinted while crying about your husband Beauford's wayward ways. Rather, the sort one reads about in European history, described by Wikipedia (source of all truth & knowledge) as "A gathering of people under the roof of an inspiring host, held partly to amuse one another and partly to refine taste and increase their knowledge of the participants through conversation."

Yesterday, friends, I hit the salon motherlode :)

FIRST, I had lunch with my friend Broadcast Media Girl. We ate at John Harvard's, a local chain restaurant, so I'll just take it on faith that at somepoint back in the 1600s JH himself thought, "I bet those turn-of-the-century girls are going to need a place to talk...and it should be near discount retail and a giant shoe store..." He was right! I thank him for the inspiration. BMG and I spent the afternoon laughing, taking about God & boys, and, erm...refining our taste. Yes, that's exactly it!

THEN, Steve and I spent the evening at a birthday celebration dinner for my friend the Organized Gorgeous Gourmet (aka Julia...I'll out her so you can check out her book, because she's living proof these anti-aging tips work). Anyway, Julia inspires me--for her stealth alone...a little-known secret: she remains forever young by gathering her friends each year & feeding us gluttonous amounts of custard pie--so that salon condition was met. And the conversation...well, educational doesn't even begin to cover the ground the 8 of us covered. Here's just a sample of what I learned:

-A rat is different than a mouse, and you can't mate them...even if you're trying to get a donkey.

-The way to get a flying squirrel out of your attic is to obtain a fox, get it to pee in a cup, then dry the pee and spread it all over your home. (This has the added benefit of ending your hospitality obligations to all but your heartiest friends and family).

-Rumor has it that some audacious team in New Hampshire has asked ousted Red Sox manager Terry Francona to be their new guy in charge. His compensation package would include a few thousand dollars AND half-off burritos at the concession stand.

Good stuff, right?!? I woke up feeling enlightened, entertained...and newly aware that 2 slices of custard pie is 1 too many if I'm going to be laughing that hard for that many hours. It was practically aerobic.

What did YOU learn yesterday?

Oh to have a LIFE PLAN!

I just read another blog post--a good one--about making a LIFE PLAN. (I capitalize because the term just seems to demand it.) I found myself getting sucked in yet again. Oh, the allure of this promise: that if I write down what I will do and how the world should respond, commit to acting on this plan and checking in on it quarterly, then PRESTO! ABRACADABARA! SHAZAM! things will unfold more or less the way I've laid them out.

It's never happened. Not even once.

I don't think life plans (or day plans, or to-do lists where you rank your priorities with little letters and then cross reference via many highlighters) are bad. I have friends who do this regularly and find it sooo helpful. I envy those friends (and tend to ask them lots of detailed, bordering-on-nosy questions about how they pull it off) because I've tried and it doesn't work for me.

I'm good at the first part: I can describing my GOALS, break those goals into NEXT ACTION STEPS, and even put DEADLINES on each of these to hold myself ACCOUNTABLE. (See...I know the lingo!) I have a tiny bit of artistry in me in terms of coloring within the lines, so some of my life plans have been festooned with color and sparkle; veritable works of art. But not a one held up in the shifting tides of real life.

Here's the thing: LIFE is bigger than my plans. I'm not the author of this story, no matter how much I like to pretend I am. Circumstances change; people turn out to be different than I expect (in ways that might be better, worse, or simply SURPRISING!); tragedy and disappointment, excitement and opportunity blow through and changes the landscape... Really, here's no quicker way for me to precipitate some sort of "out of nowhere/wow, I didn't see THAT coming" change than to make a plan.

So I wake up each morning a little wide-eyed (at least when it's not allergy season), look up to the ceiling (you know, because that's where God lives...) and await instruction.

***Late breaking additional thought!***
Just read this quote from Seth Godin (in a blog post called "failures and the dip" which makes me feel like third graders are making fun of me...) that seems relevant: "The hard part is deciding to do something, anything. Once you've decided to move, at least you're going. Might as well make it worth the trip."

I agree! Makes me wonder if it's less that I don't have a life plan, and more that I tend to take the scenic route? I'm almost always moving, and even the bumpy rides provide hours of memoir material & entertaining cocktail party stories. In other words: worth the trip. Thanks for the perspective shift, Seth :)

Consider the Patterns

I'm often caught up in thoughts about how some study on human behavior applies to writing. Last night before bed I read a blog post from Donald Miller about intuition and decision making, and the bottom line was this:

Sometimes we just sense that something is wrong or off, and we should pay attention to that sense. What may be happening here is that our subconscious is picking up on a conflict in patterns...things are not as they should be, given the information we have.

This is not always a bad thing.

When I danced in college, I had no training in ballet (I took my first barre class at 19). What I discovered was that much of ballet is about patterns: three tendus to the right, followed by one to the left; three to the left, followed by one to the right. As I found the patterns, I could mimic the movement. It was soothing, an entire world laid out in knowable patterns. And somehow--I never quite understood it--when I focused on training my muscles in these patterns, it enabled me to do all sorts of more interesting things later, when given more complex choreography.

In writing, I wonder if the same is true: We (or our characters, if you write fiction) need enough pattern so readers can know who we/they are. And yet too much pattern makes our lives (and thus our stories and characters) dull, rather than comforting. Often the BEST moment in a book is when a heretofore predictable character goes completely off the beam.

Consider the picture above, of the New York City Ballet. From a foundation of years of predictable pattern work at the barre, these dancers now have the capacity to create something much bigger, more interesting...and unpredictable. So we watch, wondering what will happen.

Think with me, if you will, about these questions:
1. Are you mostly predictable, or does your story have some swerves?
2. Has that changed has you've gotten older?
3. If you write fiction, are you comfortable letting your characters do something unexpected?
4. What is one unexpected thing you could do today, just for practice?

If you want to answer #4 in a comment below, that might be fun :)

Best of Boston (8 year old girl edition)

Superfun weekend with THAT NIECE. Our parade was rained out, but that's okay: we discovered the REAL benefit of living in our city!

If asked, some people might say that what makes Boston great are the opportunities for learning and cultural enrichment: the Science Museum, the Aquarium, the Museum of Natural History (which one friend calls "the Harvard Stuffed Animal Museum"). THAT NIECE has skipped & sparkled her way through each of these fine establishments. And yet this time, she discovered something far better about our metropolis, something she'd never even imagined possible: We have a Petco store in almost every town.

What started as a visit to one store to buy a toy for a friend's dog (followed by a rained-out trip to Boston Common) became a mission of vast proportions, intense focus, and more miles than I can count. All told, we visited 5 stores in 2 days. THAT NIECE was slobbered on by a sweet rottweiler, leaned on by a greyhound, yapped at by countless tiny things bred to fit in teacups, and patiently tolerated by a baffled German Shepard who'd barely made it through the door before being engulfed in her love.

My sister and I kept reminding her: "Ask first!" lest her stalking truly frighten both dog and owner, and she was good about that. But the one time she was told, "Well, my dog is nervous around kids so you'd better not pet him," THAT NIECE looked so totally confused--how could this lady not understand that her love was exactly the thing this nervous little creature needed most in the world???--that she just stared forlornly, not speaking, then wandered after them them down aisle in case the lady changed her mind. But later, when she came across the doggie daycare room in the back of the store she said to us, "It's good that we have to leave...it was almost too much wonderful."

It made me think of a chapter from the fascinating book Switch, where the authors discuss studies of how positive emotions such as joy, interest, or pride in a job well done broaden our thinking and build our repertoire of thoughts & actions, giving us more options to respond to everyday challenges. It's a different type of learning than what one might find at a museum, but important! I forget this WAY too often. I'm grateful to THAT NIECE for the reminder :)

What was the last thing that brought you joy?

What might the next thing be?